Impostor Syndrome...

Hello Friends! Welcome back to another blog! Today's blog is going to be a lot more personal and I am going to peel back the curtains of my real life outside of all of this. I always told myself that I was going to be real and honest with all of you as we build this community together and this is one of those moments. So, here we go.

As I mentioned in my last post, I was hoping to get a promotion at my job soon. That did happen. I got the promotion and the pay raise! *applause*

I am genuinely excited and happy to start off the new year with this promotion and I consider it a win for me. Especially with this being the year that I start traveling for book events. As I started to think about all the responsibilities that I was now taking on, I felt my stomach sink. I felt this weight on my shoulders and I started to think... what am I doing here? Is this right for me? Can I do this? Can I do any of this? I have so much on my plate already. Can I juggle all of this? What if I mess up?

All of these thoughts started circling in my head and I felt this sense of fear. In a moment of transparency with all of you, I have been going through testing for mental and behavioral health things. (That will be a post for another time). Now I haven't gotten my results back yet but I have lived with myself for 20 something years and been around people, so I am almost positive there is a form of ADHD somewhere in this brain of mine. I can be forgetful, disorganized, jittery and talkative. Sometimes, I have so much to do that I will avoid doing anything. I become paralyzed with the thought of the things that I have to do. I never know where to start because I want to do so much. It can be exhausting.

It affects a large part of my life and I didn't actually realize just how much until last year and going into this year. I've lived my entire life this way and I have found ways to cope with it and get around it but with everything I have going on, that won't fly. I have this image that I want to project out into the world of being a put together and organized business woman, but the reality is I am struggling behind the scenes. The reality is I am still learning and trying to figure this out. The reality is I don't know what I am doing.

I know everything that is happening right now is a blessing. I am very much aware of that. I am extremely thankful for these opportunities. I know that some authors don't get the opportunity to attend book events, let alone three (3) in a year. I know only God could have opened the doors for me.

I still spent a few days trying to process these emotions before I wrote this blog and I realized that I am experiencing impostor syndrome. I believe this is the first time that I have experienced this. I haven't had anything to be proud of in a long time. I've wanted to do this for so long and now that the time is here, I am almost nervous. I believe that is normal. That is completely okay.

What I have to remember is that I have worked extremely hard for this. I prayed extremely hard for this. God saw fit to open the door for me. He decided it was time and that I was ready. I have to steward these opportunities. I have to work and improve and progress everyday. Change is never comfortable. You have to step outside of your comfort zone to grow.

I wrote this blog as an encouragement to anyone who may be feeling this way and trying to process these emotions. Doors open for you when the time is right. Sometimes they come open when you don't feel quite ready. I'm learning that most of life's defining moments come when you don't feel ready. Many of us don't feel ready when life happens. But it happens. You just get ready. You are worthy of every good thing that happens to you. God has a plan for you. Keep working towards it.

As we come to a close on this week's blog, I want to thank you all again for reading this far. I want to thank you for following me along this journey. I don't take this for granted. I thank you for letting me be a part of your lives.

Stay safe. Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other.

I leave you with another Bible verse.

For I know the plans that I have you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11